It’s a typical day at dcvdickens’ house. I rise and head for the kitchen where I put up water to boil for the coffee and figure out how I want to break the fast (sleeping being the only way I can manage that particular diet strategy of not constantly eating).
A box of cereal (purchased on sale – perhaps a “remainder”) so that instead of the usual $4.95, I got it for $2.99 – a steal when it comes to a box of flakes, let me tell you. Why the price of cereal follows so closely the price of a gallon of gas I don’t know, but it certainly seems to. But I digress. Because that’s sort of what I do. Sometimes my mind wanders and I forget the whole thread of what I’m trying to discuss as I find a pile of cracker crumbs on the cutting board and go to brush them off and notice that I don’t have any paper towels and start looking for the grocery list to add it and then realize I also need Cumin, which is a great, versatile spice that you can put not only in Indian food but many other… anyhoo.
The cereal box looms large, protective. It seems to sense I’m going to try to open it up and separate its contents from its container and it’s going to do whatever it can not to let that happen.
Somehow, since approximately 1998, cereal makers have decided it’s not enough just to want to have a bowl of cereal – you have to really, REALLY want it – and they now use a sort of Super Glue on that top seal that impedes easy entry, so much so that you have to be wiling to wrestle that plastic interior bag to the ground and pummel it to get to the goods. This is what happens.
So you end up opening the bag from the side upwards, rather than from the top down, leaving a giant cereal bag rip on the side. This wouldn’t be so bad in itself IF the cereal makers glued the bag to the inside of the box keeping the bag in there while you poured. This no longer is the case. They need all that glue for the top of the bag, so when you pour your cereal, the whole friggin’ thing slides out into your bowl.
Now you have enough cereal for 9 people. If there aren’t 9 people waiting for cereal, you must shovel the extra 8 servings of those flakes back in the ripped bag and stuff the ill-fitting bag back into the box (use your foot if you have to).
Milk.
The American fashion of hermetically sealing everything but your Stock portfolio continues when you try to get that milk carton open.
My “Milk Carton Open” knife. Can be found in most hardware stores.
Now that it’s open, it will easily pour, and I mean everywhere because the spout is totally deformed and weird, so make sure you have some of those paper towels handy!
How about some bacon and eggs?
Forget the bacon. I thought by “going Canadian” I’d have packaging that made sense. Nope. Their culture may have provided us some great comic talents, but we’ve exported our Super Glue.
After breakfast, I decide to blow my nose. This is not inevitable, but for purposes of this blog, must fall here.
The arrow indicates to pull up, easily tearing open the little pack just along those handy perforations. The perforations turn out to be decorative and the arrow is not a separate piece of material that might help with leverage but also purely decorative.
Therefore, ripping it open like you would rip apart a head of lettuce is the only alternative.
Especially if you have allergies and need a tissue before fluids overcome your ability to sniff them back up into your nasal cavities.
Later that same day, I attend a friend’s child’s school play performance. Outside, immediately before the show, we get the camera gear ready. This requires a DV tape.
The kids are massing we hear, it’s about to begin. “Can you get it open?” my friend asks, panic rising.
Not really. Where the fuck is the strip? Is there a strip? Are these corners vulnerable??
We hear the kids starting in the auditorium. This is not as urgent as some things, like say, toilet paper, but it’s up there and my friend is depending on me. Hurry!
As my friend started to get hysterical, I resorted to my teeth. Sparing you the picture, mostly because we didn’t take one as it wasn’t even funny anymore.
Back home, how about some music? This was a good movie, and I got the CD for free and why not load it into iTunes?
Why not? Because I can’t get the thing open. There’s no easy way to open a sealed CD. CD manufacturers have perfected the art of sealing their product, which is the real reason the music industry is in trouble and the reason people have resorted to downloading; because they can’t get their fucking CDs open.
Can't use my special "Milk Carton Knife" because they don't allow us any sharp weapons at work.
And of course, inevitably, later that day:
*Sigh*
Reading is highly underrated and my brother got me a subscription to “Wired”, sort of the last magazine I’d ever want a subscription to (unless they had a special feature on “Getting Your Electronic Products Open Without Losing A Fingernail”), but of course it’s the thought that counts.
That looks promising.
But this is really how I feel.
But you know, reading takes a distant second to having sex!!!
Oy. Remember what I said about toilet paper being an emergency? THIS is an emergency.
Please tune in next week, when I’ll explore the connections in back of my TV set and demonstrate how easy it is to figure out which speaker has blown.
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