Your Daily Horoscope (April 1, 2015)

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed

A new moon makes you hornier than ever and this is causing a problem with your ability to concentrate and to finish simple tasks. Everything you look at makes you think of sex: the kitchen is a particular minefield. From an innocent piece of celery to a ripe tomato; from a flirtatious piece of ginger to a suggestively moist jar of Hellmans (low fat) mayonnaise: it all turns you on. The fact that these things have always turned you on however, is cause for alarm. Make an appointment with a shrink, or at least a nutritionist, and for the time being don't let yourself be alone in the same room with the salad spinner.