from perches high:
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
Monday, June 1, 2015
Friday, May 1, 2015
Your Daily Horoscope (May 1, 2015)
JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married
April showers bring May flowers but right now all you can think about is how can someone collect 18 umbrellas, none of which work. The last time you went out with one and tried to open it, the top disengaged from the handle, shot across the intersection and almost impaled some guy who was trying to put money in the parking meter. The time before that, your umbrella opened into a flat surface like a huppa and a passing rabbi started to perform wedding vows with you and a nearby linden tree. Next time try a beach umbrella. You might still get wet, but there's always the chance you'll meet a lifeguard.
April showers bring May flowers but right now all you can think about is how can someone collect 18 umbrellas, none of which work. The last time you went out with one and tried to open it, the top disengaged from the handle, shot across the intersection and almost impaled some guy who was trying to put money in the parking meter. The time before that, your umbrella opened into a flat surface like a huppa and a passing rabbi started to perform wedding vows with you and a nearby linden tree. Next time try a beach umbrella. You might still get wet, but there's always the chance you'll meet a lifeguard.
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Your Daily Horoscope (April 1, 2015)
APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed
A new moon makes you hornier than ever and this is causing a problem with your ability to concentrate and to finish simple tasks. Everything you look at makes you think of sex: the kitchen is a particular minefield. From an innocent piece of celery to a ripe tomato; from a flirtatious piece of ginger to a suggestively moist jar of Hellmans (low fat) mayonnaise: it all turns you on. The fact that these things have always turned you on however, is cause for alarm. Make an appointment with a shrink, or at least a nutritionist, and for the time being don't let yourself be alone in the same room with the salad spinner.
A new moon makes you hornier than ever and this is causing a problem with your ability to concentrate and to finish simple tasks. Everything you look at makes you think of sex: the kitchen is a particular minefield. From an innocent piece of celery to a ripe tomato; from a flirtatious piece of ginger to a suggestively moist jar of Hellmans (low fat) mayonnaise: it all turns you on. The fact that these things have always turned you on however, is cause for alarm. Make an appointment with a shrink, or at least a nutritionist, and for the time being don't let yourself be alone in the same room with the salad spinner.
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Your Daily Horoscope (March 1, 2015)
DEMETER - the Condom Bearer
The 21st through the 29th brings the influence of Mars, the warrior planet who perversely encourages you to pick fights with people close to you; specifically with your siblings and, oddly, the mechanic who's fixing your brakes. Your brother, it's true, is a bit of a jerk, but it's best not to take it out on Lenny, the brakeman since you're planning a long drive in the country this weekend. Of course, if you're taking your brother along, things might work in your favor. Mars sometimes knows what he's doing!
The 21st through the 29th brings the influence of Mars, the warrior planet who perversely encourages you to pick fights with people close to you; specifically with your siblings and, oddly, the mechanic who's fixing your brakes. Your brother, it's true, is a bit of a jerk, but it's best not to take it out on Lenny, the brakeman since you're planning a long drive in the country this weekend. Of course, if you're taking your brother along, things might work in your favor. Mars sometimes knows what he's doing!
Sunday, February 1, 2015
Your Daily Horoscope (Feb 1, 2015)
DIANA - the Bargain Hunter
Jupiter suggests that you spend some time alone with your thoughts. You and they have not seen much of one another since you went on that cruise last year and had a week long fling with the cabin boy (who actually turned out to be a stowaway from Honduras, but that's another story). Perhaps if you sat down with your thoughts and maybe bought them a drink, you could avoid the debacle at your Dad's upcoming wedding to his new, young wife, at which you will get drunk and make a toast to "Predatory bimbos, old farts and the Viagra that brings them together".
Jupiter suggests that you spend some time alone with your thoughts. You and they have not seen much of one another since you went on that cruise last year and had a week long fling with the cabin boy (who actually turned out to be a stowaway from Honduras, but that's another story). Perhaps if you sat down with your thoughts and maybe bought them a drink, you could avoid the debacle at your Dad's upcoming wedding to his new, young wife, at which you will get drunk and make a toast to "Predatory bimbos, old farts and the Viagra that brings them together".
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Your Daily Horoscope (Jan 2015)
VESTA - the Lover of Laundry
This is an auspicious cycle for you when it comes to postage stamps, bacon, and hair care products. You hit the post office version of the jackpot on the 3rd when you buy a book of stamps and two books fall out of the slot! Could life get any better? It can, on the 15th when you order a side of bacon at the local diner and a little broken shard of a fourth slice lands on your plate along with the usual three. Your luck is clearly changing! Finally on the 26th you walk into the Shop Rite and they're offering two-for-one on your favorite shampoo! You're riding high now, but prepare for a slight setback when the rate on your adjustable rate mortgage explodes and you have to move out of your house. Look on the bright side: you have plenty of stamps for those change-of-address cards.
This is an auspicious cycle for you when it comes to postage stamps, bacon, and hair care products. You hit the post office version of the jackpot on the 3rd when you buy a book of stamps and two books fall out of the slot! Could life get any better? It can, on the 15th when you order a side of bacon at the local diner and a little broken shard of a fourth slice lands on your plate along with the usual three. Your luck is clearly changing! Finally on the 26th you walk into the Shop Rite and they're offering two-for-one on your favorite shampoo! You're riding high now, but prepare for a slight setback when the rate on your adjustable rate mortgage explodes and you have to move out of your house. Look on the bright side: you have plenty of stamps for those change-of-address cards.
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